I say this because thats what I see when I look in the mirror. I'm a father to one child soon to be two. I dont have a job, cant be put on dissabilty and for some odd reason I see myself as an evil creature.

I hate me beyond all acounts and would just assume burn or cut open my own flesh to prove that im crazy before I get a normal job. I am an unclean peace of filth. I read stupped porn stories that I curse myself for constently.

I caws myself phisical pain in all manner of ways. If I haddent had told my wife that I would try not to cut myself anymore- I would have done it good and well by now and went to try and rub the blood in the judges face that said I can get a normal job.

If I wasnt a christian I would go out and do things to people that im not even alowed to say in public or should tell others in privat. I would make sure that they would see the world in the same discusted distaist that I do.

I have filled enough pages to make several books documenting my self-hate. My shrink says I am overly in love with myself. I put it to you- do you think I love myself?

I beat my head into walls. I try to tear off my own flesh with my fingers. I puch rock walls till im brused good and well. I beat myself in the face with my fist. I used to write obsean things on my body in blood and if I could I would right now. I have a festerd rage for myself because no matter what I work at it fails.

To top all this off I am supost to be a follower of Christ. I am to love others. I am to take care of my body because it is the temple of God. What do I do? I try to distroy every last peace of me as far as I can.

My wife thinks that I am a great person. She says im a wanderful father. If you havent have guessed im at a low point right now. It happens about once a month. My wife said im PMSing. She just said a fue nice words to me and im simmerd down. I could go to sleep now happly.

Well at least now you guys know me a little better. Do what you will with your list. Im actuly going to post this just to see what yall think. Maybe yall can give me some good ol scripture to latch onto.

Yup this is a long letter asking for help. I need some uplift guys. Some hugs you know You peeps are the closeist I have ever gotten to Christian friends. Everyone runs away from me when they meet me in person. Maybe its my bad gass?

~Angel~

I'm sure you've probably thought about it a lot (plus with your shrink) about why you want to hurt yourself and feel that you hate yourself. But as Christians maybe we can take a more direct approach than the psychologist in terms of making a goal. So if you can make a firm goal not to hate yourself, then you can use all good means--spiritual or secular--to achieve that goal.

To provide a basis to support the goal, it's pretty simple; for example, the Bible says "love thy neighbor as thy self." Well, of course, we don't want to hate our neighbor, so we do have to also love ourselves, otherwise we can't follow the statement. So we can see that it's good to love ourselves.

But to love ourselves, we have to feel satisfied with something about ourselves that we can admire. So after deciding firmly on the goal to love yourself, you could find some areas to increase your self-satisfaction and self-worth, making these strategies toward your goal. (Then you can plan tactics for fulfilling those strategies if you need to go further and more detailed.)

Also, it may help to consider the nature of our self-esteem. It seems tied to our well-being as community and in family and society. On the other hand, it can be subjective and affected by all kinds of things, emotions. And it can be affected by achievement, and by the way we all deal with sin and righteousness. So this can work against you or you can use it to your advantage; in some ways, self-esteem can be a helpful tool to make you aware of where you need to put attention in your life and help you judge how things are going. But like any tool or indicator, if it starts causing problems or taking over things itself, then it needs to be subdued.

So, as a strategy for example, what if you tried to find ways to help other people. That satisfaction should help you feel better about yourself. Whether it's something local or through supporting a good cause or through your writing or whatever.

Another strategy would be finding more peace and satisfaction about the job/ disability situation. Who do you have to prove it to, so that you know the answer? Ultimately, to yourself. And God and your family. I'm not sure what to do, but I can just suggest try to resolve it based on (1) your self-esteem and self-love (2) your family's needs (3) attempting to find an objective answer of what's the best way, trying to go above and outside of anyone's personal subjective viewpoint and find the truth, and (4) pray about it, which I'm sure you have done.

There are different kinds of jobs, and different hours per week, and different environments and locations. You could see if you've considered all the possibilities and "thought outside the box." This doesn't hurt either way--you may find something that you could do even if it's small, that you didn't think of before, because there is a lot out there; and if not, you know more thoroughly that you tried to find a way and couldn't--and either way, that possibility to do something or that confidence of having considered more things--it should increase your self-esteem.

The more thoroughly you make sure about all the possibilities, the more chances you have, and on the other hand, the greater your knowledge that you are trying all you can so you can feel better about it--but you may need to focus on it in a positive aspect, i.e. the good of you trying to find it and making the effort rather than the bad if it didn't work out. And you can pray for a door to open--one way or another. If you consider everything and there isn't a way (or isn't yet) then you could focus your self-esteem on your fatherhood. Also, there are the business and self-employment ways of making money--just like you are working on with your writing. Consider all the options.

Your physical pain would probably not help your self-esteem either. And it might desensitize you about hurting yourself. Not sure about that one. I guess you either have to solve the pain or solve the way of it affecting you.

But another thing Jesus said--do unto others as you would have them do unto you. If you turn it around (which we can because the two parts of the statement are equal and depend on each other) then you should want to be done unto you as you would want to be done to others. You want good things for others, so you have to want good things for you too, and you couldn't want to hurt yourself or not care about yourself. You could also focus on some of the good things Jesus says about how God loves you and things that demonstrate how precious we are to him, and keep that in mind, repeat it to yourself, print it out or write it down and put it up on the wall, meditate on it. This could be a way to improve your self-love also by basing it on God's love, and letting His way heal your feelings and in turn, affect your actions by building on it.

Another strategy would be to do something (hobby or entertainment) that you enjoy and that is beautiful or relaxing and pumps some good feelings into your mind. A lot of our culture and media is negative, so if you pick up on something really nice, it can be mentally healing. I like to read or watch certain things over and over for this very reason, to enjoy the positive atmosphere they have.

I hope any of that is helpful, but more than any specific point, I would say just consider all the options and balance proving your love to yourself with acting in love to others and receiving love from God--then hopefully you can sort it out!

Curry

[This message has been edited by Curry (edited November 29, 2003).]

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please post your photo into the CCN gallery !

About hobbies and goal setting. I have been working on my book mainly for entertainment for me and my wife. I'm really hopeing it will minnister to others that have been through the torment that I have faced. I'm a lot better off then I was 6 years ago. My writeing is to show others that there is hope.

Well at least this has been a brake from the normal idel chit-chat.

c h i e f y I'm going to try and use that thumbnail you put up as my little signiture thing. I hope it works Then things will look more personalized.

~Angel~

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[This message has been edited by Angel (edited November 29, 2003).]

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~Angel~

but anyway as far as the cutting i under stand that you dont feel worthy to live but you have to know that by the blood of the lamb you are you might not feel it but it is true i thought that i was one of the few who had problems like that i used to look up porn but i dont have access to the internet except at my cousins house and i thank GOD for it i am afraid to ever get married simply because if i got married and started looking up porn i would be very tempted to kill myself but i know that it is temptation i another reason i broke up with my fiance was to go out with other women of which i would like to say i am extremely ashamed of my self but i know while the apostle paul couldnt wait to get to heaven
i have been so depressed at one point in the last year (and tempted with suicide that i could do nothing but role in the floor and scream

but most of all i would just like to tell you what has been revealed to me from the beginning from GOD and that is that, yes we stand in jeapordy every hour and we do live on the edge but "to who is forgiven much loveth much." in other words never stop being thankful for the mercy ,and never stop WANTING (fully and truly deep down in your heart) to change and be better and someday in the resurrection you will be fully changed

for people like you and me and a few others we face satan toe to toe face to face and our worst enemy usually is staring us back in the eyes when we look in the mirror (our flesh) GOD bless you and may his mercy, love, and grace abide on you forever...

andrew

AmazingJas I remmember that link from a thred on here a long time back. I was considering it at the time but like with everything else I am trying to fix my probs all on my own with God. I don't often except genrul help. Anyways thanks for the thought.

~Angel~

PS FORGET THIS FRIGGEN POST ALREADY :P

j/k if its such a big deal keep blahing here

quote:

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AmazingJas I remmember that link from a thred on here a long time back. I was considering it at the time but like with everything else I am trying to fix my probs all on my own with God. I don't often except genrul help. Anyways thanks for the thought.

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i would encourage you to do that course. God made us part of a body - with this course the biggest part is between you and God, but it directs, it shows sin as it is - which we cannot do on our own because the bible says the human heeart is deceitful above all things. And accountibility is an important part of being a rigteous pure man of God.
I myself have done this course and encouraged many many people to do so, and have seen fruit from it. even if you aren't addicted to porn or any sexual impurity, its a good course just as a devotion.
Amazingjas - thank God for your testimony , yeah.. Lord you are good, in You oh Lord is freedom.

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Karl /GODCENTRIC
Visionary Media
the creative submitted to the divine.
Husband of my amazing wife Aleshia
Klumsy@xtra.co.nz

[This message has been edited by klumsy (edited December 22, 2003).]