buddboy Member Posts: 2220 From: New Albany, Indiana, U.S. Registered: 10-08-2004 |
hey, i had this idea for a story a couple days ago, finally today i sat down and sort of started on it. go here to check it out, its in .doc form. please tell me what you think of it =D comments and criticism are both welcome. ------------------ [This message has been edited by buddboy (edited September 09, 2006).] [This message has been edited by buddboy (edited September 09, 2006).] |
manic_gamer Member Posts: 30 From: Portland Maine USA Registered: 09-01-2006 |
Im not to great at constructive critisim.. But I did find the story intreging and I did want to read more.. which is a good thing ------------------ |
penny Member Posts: 101 From: Registered: 08-15-2006 |
Ok, first, its a good start! I like the name PORC. Now, ready for some constructive criticism?  Its not a good idea to address the reader directly when writing a story unless it is a character from the story retelling the tale. It can be confusing to the reader. Its best if the author stays hidden in the background, painting the picture of the story. Good job on researching your story's environment, that can add an element of realism. However, just laying it out there as you did in the first paragraph makes it read like an encyclopedia. Instead, try to weave it into the story. Do a google image search on the Great Victoria Desert and see what it looks like. Imagine you are there and on the phone with a friend back home who is asking, "What is it like there?" Try describing what's there. While stating things directly definately tells the story, sometimes its more exciting to the reader if he/she is left in the dark. You have heard of a story tying together the loose ends, well you have to start those threads of story in a mysterious way so that the reader says "AHA!" at the end when they figure it out. This can even be as simple as having your characters call each other Jar and Bach, and then later the story mentions a sign on Jar's cell stating his full name. The reader thinks, "Ahh.. His real name is Jarrah". You can also do this with the time and location of the story. Keep the reader guessing, but you still have to reveal enough that the reader can make sense of the story. If too much is hidden then the story begins to be surreal. i.e. Once upon a time there was this person who did something... somewhere. Like I said, its a good start. Stories require a LOT of refining. Keep up the good work.
[This message has been edited by penny (edited September 09, 2006).] |
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penny Member Posts: 101 From: Registered: 08-15-2006 |
oopss.. my browser burped and double posted. [This message has been edited by penny (edited September 09, 2006).] |
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buddboy Member Posts: 2220 From: New Albany, Indiana, U.S. Registered: 10-08-2004 |
thanks a lot penny, great advice. i'll keep that in mind.. thanks to you too, manic_gamer... ------------------ |
CoolJ Member Posts: 354 From: ny Registered: 07-11-2004 |
I read it too! I definitely admire your choice of story location! I would of never chose it- well mainly because I didn't even know about the Great Victoria Desert. I agree with manic gamer and penny, im intrigued. But because I don't know were your going with the story, I wont say WHY (actually there is probably more than a dozen) I think GVD is a great choice, but I do give you A++ on your choice! I hope you post a little more when you get it out. [This message has been edited by coolj (edited September 09, 2006).] |
ArchAngel Member Posts: 3450 From: SV, CA, USA Registered: 01-29-2002 |
I got lost fast. first I read a fact sheet, then dialogue (where quotations are not seperated by linefeeds) and then a direct address to me. in the diaglogue, it becomes hard to follow what's happening; it doesn't seem to flow well. I'm not claiming to be a good writer (just an avid critic) and I'm not trying to direct your style. that is something you need to define.
quote: the reader can find out later that Bach is Bachar by having some one call out "bach" and have him respond. don't be so quick to give out information. the enigma, the unknowing, is what keeps the people reading. every mystery revealed adds to your work. just jumping on what penny says. as with the explanations and details, don't. I once, when I was younger, probably around your age, tried writing a story. I became so caught up in describing the details of this starbase I had in my mind, I ultamitely killed whatever was good in the story. believe me, it was bad. really bad. my suggestion: read more books. tons more. just stuff your head with them. classics. easy reading. fiction. any type. the more you read, the more you learn to express yourself narratively and more you pick on elements you like, further developing your own style. don't take what I'm saying to be just a bashing. your work can become really good, but you need to put some heavy work into it. Story telling is an art as old as man itself; you can't just pick it up in a pinch. ------------------ |
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buddboy Member Posts: 2220 From: New Albany, Indiana, U.S. Registered: 10-08-2004 |
lol, read more books? thats funny. i've read more books than anyone i can think of my age. thanks for the other advice tho... i know it needs a lot of refinement, its just the first page. thanks for all the comments though you guys, its nice to get any comments at all, much less the ones you guys have given. ------------------ |
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CoolJ Member Posts: 354 From: ny Registered: 07-11-2004 |
I just think you should have a character named buddboy..thats all Im saying. [This message has been edited by coolj (edited September 09, 2006).] |
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buddboy Member Posts: 2220 From: New Albany, Indiana, U.S. Registered: 10-08-2004 |
LOL!! maybe a techwiz they consult every so often... heh j/k... ------------------ |
