jestermax Member Posts: 1064 From: Ontario, Canada Registered: 06-21-2006 |
One of my bigger problems is that i never open up to anyone. My girlfriend has been telling me that for a while because she wants to get closer to Christ with me. Its just the way i grew up to go solo. Does anyone else have this problem? or better yet a solution?  |
Ereon Member Posts: 1018 From: Ohio, United States Registered: 04-12-2005 |
I have this problem too, I often prefer the solo option. However, I'm also learning more and more the value of fellowship with other Christians and how this has a soothing and strengthening effect all around. Sometimes you need to talk about things, just to "get them off your chest", to ease the tension inside yourself in an audible form to someone else, and sometimes you just need to talk about some things, just to flush the slime and rotting sludge out of yourself and keep it from festering inside of you and messing you up. Part of the key is getting someone you trust, I've found three people like that personally, and it's become such a joy to talk to them. The ability to trust that person or those persons is essential here though, because if they show themselves trustworthy with your secrets, and compassionate and supportive in their replies, it will help you to open up to them even more and help you to strengthen each other at even deeper levels. All in all it's a matter of trust, and just doing it. It takes a leap of trust and faith in the other person on your part, and really just gathering up the will to simply "take the plunge". Make sure that the other person is ready and willing to listen, and just start small, let things come out of your heart. Sometimes you have to look for opportunities to talk about these things, because, especially with most guys like us, this sort of things doesn't come easy, and we tend to hold back from really baring our hearts. However, once you open your heart and establish and grow that trust and openness it will free you up for even deeper levels of trust and fellowship with the other person, allow you to trust them and understand them and yourself better, and ultimately help you both to grow deeper in Christ together, sharing each other's strengths, picking each other up in times of pain or defeat, and helping each other to supplement each other's weaknesses while drawing from each other's strengths. ------------------ Of course God knew what would happen if they used their freedom the wrong way: apparently He thought it worth the risk. Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another: What! You too? I thought I was the only one. |
Lazarus Member Posts: 1668 From: USA Registered: 06-06-2006 |
Seeing as how I hardly ever see people I meet more than once(what can I say, my parents are very secluded), I don't really have the option of talking to other people about things(altho' I can talk to my parents). Of course there's the Internet, but you don't exactly open your heart to someone you've never met. So I just type it into my computer, that helps a little... very little with all these kids around who keep asking what I'm typing- can't a guy get a little peace around here? Oh, where was I. Oh yeah, I don't want to sound pitiful here or anything Lazarus |
Max Member Posts: 523 From: IA Registered: 09-19-2004 |
God is yours, not both of yours at the same time. You don't have to open up anything if you don't want. ------------------ Blind belief is dangerous. - Kenyan Proverb Computers are useless. They can only give you answers. - Pablo Picasso |
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jestermax Member Posts: 1064 From: Ontario, Canada Registered: 06-21-2006 |
@laz: actually for some reason i find it a LOT easier opening up to complete strangers then i do friends and family. i guess maybe its because i have nothing to lose with them? i dunno. and btw laz, if you ever want to talk to anyone you have everyone at CCN  or you can msn me at jestermax at hotmail.
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Tonnyx Member Posts: 140 From: Indiana, USA Registered: 08-02-2005 |
I think that something we Western individualists miss out on is how much Christianity is meant to be lived out as a community. God did call Abraham out as an individual, but God didn't just go out and pick some other guy to show himself to after Abe died. He created a community of believers, and the general pattern that we see in the Bible, even into the New Testament, is that people who become believers, go on to join the community. Classic examples include Ruth the Moabitess, a gentile who believed, and joined the community. Not that every individual in the community is a true believer, of course, but that's sort of a given - we know that not every churchgoer is saved. That fact doesn't make going to church to worship God any less important for the honest believer, and it doesn't make being involved in the Christian community any less important. God's commands show us that the way we relate to each other is just as important to him as how we relate to God himself ("Love the Lord your God...this is the first and the greatest commandment. The second is like it: love your neighbor as yourself.") It definitely goes against Western culture, and I definitely grew up "going solo" in my faith, but I'm finding more and more that that's not an attitude backed up by scripture. I don't know exactly what your girlfriend is expecting, or if it's the right time for "getting closer to Christ together" with her - you still have to use your judgment for that, but I did want to offer my $.02, or 189 Ghanaian cedis, that the American "individualism and separatism for the sake of individualism and separatism" is not scriptural. There are good reasons for distancing oneself from particular people, but that is not one of them. ------------------ edit: changed "American" to "Western" :-) [This message has been edited by tonnyx (edited August 03, 2006).] |
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jestermax Member Posts: 1064 From: Ontario, Canada Registered: 06-21-2006 |
HA, i've got you beat i'm Canadian. lol. i get the arguement though, God is into the whole teamwork deal (the body of Christ). I've just never really had many people that i could trust and rely on so its difficult for me to open up and tell people where i am with God. well... again, total strangers is a different story for some reason. I find it MUCH easier to open up to someone i don't really know then someone close to me. |
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Max Member Posts: 523 From: IA Registered: 09-19-2004 |
You need other people to help you grow in your faith, that is true. BUT, you don't need to open up to other people about how you feel if you do not want to. I do agree on the whole community of believers thing, but that doesn't mean everyone has to tell everyone everything. EDIT : If you don't feel comfortable opening up to someone about how you feel about your faith, that's kinda normal. It is putting yourself on the line. Don't do anything you don't feel you should, no matter what anyone says. ------------------ Blind belief is dangerous. - Kenyan Proverb Computers are useless. They can only give you answers. - Pablo Picasso [This message has been edited by max (edited August 03, 2006).] |
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jestermax Member Posts: 1064 From: Ontario, Canada Registered: 06-21-2006 |
its not that i don't want to open up. its just that i feel pressured by her and i'm not used to doing it. i don't really know how to work on something like that so it gets kinda stressful. any ideas? |
penny Member Posts: 101 From: Registered: 08-15-2006 |
Hey Jester. I really struggled with this when I was dating my future(now present) wife. Personally it was an issue of trust. Not that I didn't trust her on a certain level, just not as deep as I trusted the Lord. So I ended holding back, even subconsciencely some times. I was emotionally hurt a bunch as a kid, and learned to push the feelings out. It also kinda made me gun-shy of relationship/emotional conversation. I didn't want to have to deal with emotions. They are so wild and unruley. I like cold calculated precision. But I really liked this girl, so I took the plunge. What I did at first was test the waters. I started by sharing funny stories from my past. Like the time when I had a cold in third grade and sneezed and it was like booger city all over my hands and desk. Pretty embarassing then, but funny now. She will probably ask what happened next? This is a relational question however. The answer she is looking for (in my case) is "Everybody laughed at me, but Mr. Stull my teacher was such a great guy, he went with me to the restroom to clean up and told me it was ok, and things like that happened. That was encouraging in the face of all the embarassment from my classmates." A bad answer is "well, I cleaned up and from then on always carried tissues in my back pocket." The first is relational/emotional, the second is a plan/resolution. Secondly, try to think about the deep spiritual questions you have about God, and ask her them. Ask her "What is the toughest thing for you to really grasp about God?" Also, you can talk about dreams. The future ten years from now. Who was her absolute best friend. One of the toughest questions for my wife to answer was, "What are your dreams?" She didn't have all the plans that I had made. And the plans she did have were more like a security blanket and extremely flexible. So, from my experience, when guys talk "deep" its about ideas, designs, plans, resolutions. i.e. What the best way to do x? How do you fix y? What do you like to do with your free time? When girls talk "deep" its mostly about relationships and feelings. i.e. How do you deal with a particular confrontation? How do you know if you have a true friend? Does such a person like/love me? Connecting with a girl then is to somehow cross this gap and take interest in her relationships, and to have her cross into your world of ideas and plans. If can be a giant step for both of you.As a guy, try to actually think about how you are feeling: frustrated, ticked off, happy, hungry, confused, chilling, zoning, wired. Guys actually have a lot of emotions. We just never pay attention to them, and a lot of times we can just shut them off. Most girls can't do this, and hence they learn to understand and deal with their emotions better. Also, try to evaluate your relationships with your buds, or even your online friends. Think of encouraging friends, or even people that bug you. It doesn't matter if its good or bad relationships, its the relationship part she wants to hear. Or even a "we're not that close" is a good answer. Then the tough part happens. She'll figure you out because you have now opened up. This part can hurt sometimes, and maybe you will need to express you hurt towards her. As they say, you should describe how you feel, not what she did. Sometimes she won't understand, or won't want to understand. If she continues to not be understanding then you might have to break things off. If she is, then its a wonderful feeling to be known and understood by someone. Needless to say, women are amazingly different creatures. I have heard it said, that it is impossible to understand women. I believe, however, that, given enough time, you can understand one woman. And you should marry her. Anyways, just my thoughts and experiences. Penny P.S. Sorry the post is so long. I guess I'm kind of long winded tonight. ------------------ |
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jestermax Member Posts: 1064 From: Ontario, Canada Registered: 06-21-2006 |
thanks for your post penny. I was the same way when i got into this relationship, i've been hurt too many times by girlfriends and family members so i have issues trusting people with deep things like feelings. I completely agree with your emotional vs. resolutional advice. It's so hard to realise sometimes that there isn't a right and wrong between them; they're just different. I remember all these things from when i read Mars and Venus back in highschool (I'm probably due for a refresher). I understand her, sometimes better then she does, but it's just hard for me to deal with things her way and not mine. I'm so used to looking at things objectively and seeing clear goals, but this "feelings" thing is so messed up sometimes |
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penny Member Posts: 101 From: Registered: 08-15-2006 |
Well, just keep the faith and keep on where you're going. All relationships take time... a LOT of time. ------------------ |
. I've talked to her about this since i started the post and right now we're at a point where if she doesn't force me to open up, i'll do my best to let her in.