This evening, I was offered a job as a Chaplain at a local nursing home right around the corner from us. There is really a need for this, and in its 3 years of existence, they have had no Chaplain, Bible Study, Church or other such services for the residents. It is a very small facility, actually a converted old schoolhouse. Of course there is no salary involved.

It would only be a couple of hours per day work, as opposed to the time consuming work of running an online church. This would allow me the time needed to get work done on my games. I really love programming, and it has been a MAJOR part of my life since '79.

I am not sure what to do, I am praying over it, but I feel as if I am being pulled in 2 directions (ouch). Tomorrow I am going out of town for a friend's wedding, but will be back on Sunday, and I told them I would give an answer then. This gives me plenty of time to pray over this.

I am taking a notebook with me, so I will be able to check my mail and the boards while I am away. Any insight or prayers would greatly be appreciated.

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God Bless,

Brice

Worklog

My personal view: Do the thing at the nursing home

and personally i'd say to go with this other job... But pray.. maybe set aside a few days to fast and pray, wait on God.. not do anything online.. just set yourself aside, seeking his will..

then step out in faith..
you might find if you are obedient in one area, God might do more in the other area than you could imagine.. he could bring in resources and talent to get alongside you so you aren't carrying a dream and burden by yourself..
If its God's will, he will build the house, if its not his will, then our efforts are in vain.
Wait on the Lord..
He is faithful..

Karl

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Karl /GODCENTRIC
Husband of my amazing wife Aleshia
Klumsy@xtra.co.nz

Before I leave later today, I will call and politely decline the job offer as Chaplain.

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God Bless,

Brice

Worklog

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Karl /GODCENTRIC
Husband of my amazing wife Aleshia
Klumsy@xtra.co.nz

I have too much respect for Krylar to ever cause any trouble on one of his boards, so I have refrained from answering your question until such a time I felt I could restrain myself more and not be too inappropiate in my reply. I also did not want it to appear I was lashing out at anybody, when it is truly only myself that I hate and despise.

To answer your question. I just cannot do it, no matter how hard I may try. I do NOT blame God, but, I just cannot serve God anymore, and I have not been able to do so since we lost our baby girl on July 6, 1998. I have tried many times to serve him, but my heart is just not in it, and I refuse to be a hypocrite.

I have a wonderful wife, Aimee and four beautiful teen daughters: Kate, Francis, Julie and Missi. It is out of love and sacrifice for them that I am even alive. If I had my way, and truly did what I wanted, I would blow my damn head off without a second thought.

When we first lost Sariah, I tried to kill myself many times, pills, other ways: my arms are literally covered with scars from where I cut myself with knives or would burn myself. Tried drinking, but an ulcer pretty much killed that. It is only for my wife and kids that I have quit this behavior and daily put on the facade of happiness. Sure there are good days, but deep down, I just want to die, to hurt myself in any way possible. Most days, I still cry myself to sleep. In another month, it will be four years since she died. Regardless of what people may say, things like this do NOT get easier with time.

I appreciate the kindness shown to me on this board. However, since it IS a Christian board, this will be my last post as I just cannot call myself a Christian anymore. I also do not want to bring trouble to this board, and my presence naturally will draw trouble.

Regards,

Brice

bricemanuel@aol.com

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Regards,

Brice

†Caleb†

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"True friendship is not characterized by the absence of conflict, but by the ability to resolve conflict."

my friend, God's grace is big enough of you.. its true not to be a hypocrit, but don't write yourself off as one just because you can't be perfect.. with God you can be completely honest, but remember Hope...
and i pray for you that you would recieve that perfect peace that transcends all understanding..

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Karl /GODCENTRIC
Husband of my amazing wife Aleshia
Klumsy@xtra.co.nz

I truly hope you stay, as you are a valued member of this community...and certainly very valuable to God.

Please try to remember that your daughter is with God now and you will someday be with her again. I can't claim that I can understand how you're feeling as I've never suffered such a loss, but I truly believe that God *can* and *does* understand...as he watched His son die for you and me.

I've gone through weeks of doubt, confusion, etc. I've fallen on my face so many times when trying to be perfect that it's ridiculous. I've turned my back on God when I needed Him most. And I often feel like a hypocrite when I do the things I know I shouldn't. But, just like you, I *know* when I'm being hypocritical...and I know when I need to standfast.

You are going through a very difficult time in your life. Now is when you need the support of friends who truly care about you. Whether we've physically met or not, we are brothers in Christ. As brothers we stand together. When a brother is down, we struggle to help him up...as he would do for us when we are down.

I will pray for you and your family with all my heart, and I'm sure that everyone else here will do the same.

Nobody here is perfect. If we were, we wouldn't need a savior. Please consider staying with the community, but more importantly don't give up on God...He certainly hasn't given up on you.

In Christ,

-Krylar

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Regards,

Brice
bricemanuel@aol.com

Lost Reflections
"The Virtual Gaming System"
http://www.lostreflections.org

Hypocrisy is nothing to live with, but God is nothing to live without. We all struggle with hypocrisy, we often act lookwarm in our faith. But that should only make us want more. I've found in my own life that I can get so focused on trying not to sin, that I lose my focus on God and try and do it on my own, which never works. Somehow I think I must get myself clean before I come to Him, but I can't be clean without Him. Find God, look for His love, and He will guide you to do what's right, and will uphold you with His righteous right hand. Losing loved ones is a cut that can't be healed in this life, but don't push the scarred hands of the healer away.

A verse to encourage you:
"As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Now remain in my love."

I just read your superb kindly and constructive words to our friend Brice

I really cannot fathom anybody leaving CCN after that terrific round of posts

I would like to say that reading your posts has filled me with a big warmth somehow

you're all a real credit to CCN, big words and I hope Brice surely does heal over in time, he has my sincere best wishes for the future too

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from your old mate
c h i e f y
global chiefy to yer old seadog seafarin' mateys

access chiefy's worklogs

I won't be leaving, Chiefy, but I will avoid any threads where people are arguing. Been absent due to my surgery earlier this month, and then my one daughter Kate underwent a surgery this week.

I have abandoned ALL game programming, and ditched the BC board, and am fully concentrating on the retirement project I have decided to undertake: Path to Adventure

Regards,

Brice

quote:

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Originally posted by revlivingwater:
I will never cease to be amazed by the way God answers our prayers.

Before I leave later today, I will call and politely decline the job offer as Chaplain.

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And to lostreflections, I am sincerely happy you will be staying with this board. You need people like this to help you through this. Many are very good christians. I think you are very wise to stay away from the arguements (just a great big sign that you are still Christ's child). You display a great deal of strength that can only come from God. He truely blesses those who are morning, and you will not be able to see it until you come out the other side. As to when that might be, I really can't say. I lost my boyfriend to suicide, and it took well over 4 years for me to even recognise life again. I couldn't imagine the kind of pain you are feeling, nor would I want to. But, I assure you, Jesus knows, and he feels it with you. Don't you worry about not being a christian, he knows your heart is breaking into pieces. You will always be his, even I can see you are a Christian. The fact that he led you here should be a great testimony as well. You WILL make it. If you don't believe me, just ask God.
BTW, it isn't something I'm proud of, but in the hopes of helping a brother in Christ... I prayed everyday that God would take me from this world after Sonny's death. When he didn't answer I prayed that Satan would. I thought anywhere but here was better. I'm quite sure Satan would have been thrilled to take my soul, but God protected me. As He will protect you, from yourself. I know you are in pain, but you can make it. We are all here for you including God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit. I will add you to the prayer list that has helped me so much. I hope it helps you as well.

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God bless and keep you!
-Ginger

I think that God is reaching out to you also. I believe that he prepared a way for you to minister to others in the nursing home and I also believe that in turn you will be ministered to through that. I love you as God loves those who need Him and I hope that you rediscover the grace and mercy and abounding love that is God.

My prayers are with you dear friend,
Matt

Ginger: I really appreciate your kindness and your heartfelt words. It was very touching, actually to the point of tears. Thank you, Ginger. I am very sorry for your loss. I am glad your prayers were not answered, because then you would not be here now You seem like a really nice person, with much to contribute to the world and those who you meet.

Perhaps I should clarify. I choose to stay away from the arguments, because they generally deal with some aspect of Christianity and that is a subject I generally do not care to discuss. I do not like people preaching to me, or people arguing over various misinterpretations of the Bible.

I do not think I display a great deal of strength. Heck a perfect example, currently I am back to abusing painkillers again. I have to have yet another kidney surgery on the 22nd because last month they only broke this stone down by 25%. I am hoping they can get it all this time so I will not be prescribed the pain killers and that temptation will not be there anymore.

I do have a great deal of self-hatred which I often take out on others. Heck, with the exception of Krylar (this may not be true, perhaps I should not speak for Krylar), everybody else in the Blitz community hates me, and the feeling is quite mutual and I would not have it any other way. It is much easier just to have people hate you and be mad at you and not to have any friends.

Literally the ONLY friend I have is Brad who I met online and he has stuck by me for four years. I have been abandoned by any other friends.

I do not consider myself a Christian. I have NEVER blamed God for the loss of our daughter, I have always blamed myself, and rightfully so. I think God's ego can handle my insolence towards him and my decision to distance myself from him. I still believe in God, I just choose not to worship him.

Programming does not even bring me any enjoyment anymore. My bout with cancer a few years back has messed up my memory so much, that I just cannot grasp new things anymore. Stupid as can be, I can't grasp a language as simplistic as Blitz BASIC, but I can still code in VB, VC with relative ease (although I was never extremely proficient in VC). So on top of everything else, I am a retard now.

Over the weekend we went out and bought 2 new cars. We traded in our Intrepid and we bought a Miata for my wife and we bought a Tribute for our eldest daughter. We have always owned the house and cars flat out and never had to deal with payments, but now we have two car payments hanging over our head. To pay these off, I took on a small contract job for a local company. No big deal, just writing some custom software for PDAs for their employees to use. Using the free version of VC for embedded chips, so this should be fairly simple, although harder than Palm OS development.

I have FINALLY settled on my retirement project and finally found a name to
operate under that will not conflict with existing trademarks. I am calling it Online Serials. I secured the onlineserials.com domain just to tie it up, but registered onlineserials.org and will be using the .org name for my site.

I decided to combine my love of reading, writing and old radio shows and try and write some original serials patterned after the standards of the old radio shows and provide them online in serial format.

I plan on working on a drama series (based on the novel I started years ago)and an adventure series.

I think this is an ideal retirement project for me and should keep me busy
over the years to come. It is also something I can do at my own pace and
never be rushed to finish an episode. It will allow me plenty of down time
to read and spend time with the family and just relax and listen to old
radio shows. I cannot burn myself out anymore. Probably sounds boring, but it is exciting to me and I am looking forward to being able to do some
writing on a regular basis.

Matt: Thank you, I will keep visiting these boards on a regular basis, but I will avoid any thread dealing with Christian issues.

Chiefy: My sincere apologies for getting ticked at you a while back. That has to be one of the most unusual misunderstandings ever.

Sorry for rambling

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Regards,

Brice

Whichever path you choose, I wish you all the best. I would like it very much if you stayed, as you're a valued member. I agree with you that time is NOT a great healer. The pain of losing a loved one does not diminish.

I never like to talk about my own problems when trying to help other people, as I remember when I was in the deepest spell of my depression that I constantly thought "Pah! Their problems are nothing like mine!" when counselled by other depressives/ex-depressives.

Indeed, my own body is littered with the scars of that time. It isn't pleasant. I tried to take my own life several times, and I regret it now more than anything. I still wish I had done a better job so that I wouldn't have to look at what I did, and the faces of the people I let down.

To clarify. 9 years ago I lost my beloved brother to suicide. He was (and is) an inspiration to me. Without him, I would not be the person I am. He was told by his ex-girlfriend that he could no longer see his two children. This was too much for him, and he took his own life. My nephew is now my God-son, and my niece is 12 this weekend and staying with us next weekend. They have both been injured in car accidents after my brother died. My nephew broke a leg, but my niece needed skin grafts to her face. She still has large scars.

As much as I loath it, I hate their mother. I do not like to hate, but in my eyes she took my brother. Not only that, but my beautiful nephew and neice have been scarred by her irresponsibility. Like my dad, I can't stand being her presence. She is guiltless over what she did, and however deep in my heart I look, I cannot forgive her. The best way for me to honour my brother's memory is to take care of his children and help them grow to be responsible adults. That is all I can do.

For many years (and sometimes I still do), I questioned God. Why? Why did this have to happen. I still don't know why, but I trust in God, even after all that has happened to me. Who knows what He has in store for me. I still get low every now and again, but I will never give up. Ever.

I will pray for you and your family.

Good luck, and God bless.

Ty

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Ty
~ I live to give

Brice, you can count me in the lot that likes you. I respect you for sharing the reality of your situation; honesty is a good quality regardless the circumstances.
I think your retirement project(s) sound great and I wish you the best of luck with them. I hope I have enough determination to pursue something like that when I get to that point. I hope to see you around here more often...and feel free to ramble

Ty, I admire your willingess to care for your family. I can't say that I blame you at all for your feelings toward "her" but maybe your love for your niece and nephew will have some impact on her life. I encourage you to keep trusting God.

[This message has been edited by Nfektious (edited November 26, 2002).]

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God bless and keep you!
-Ginger

quote:

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Originally posted by gingerellies:
Have I mentioned lately how much I love all you guys? Well, I do! You can definitely count me in the people who do not hate you Brice!

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Ty, Ginger. The feeling is mutual.

Second, You said you cannot call yourself a Christian anymore. Your being a Christian is not about having a happy heart all the time--that's impossible for us on this earth with its pain and suffering. Your being a Christian is about whether you know Jesus loves you, died for your sins, and rose again. I believe your baby is safe in Jesus' arms, right now, and is awaiting your homecoming someday, where you'll be reunited. Make the most of the time between now and then. Make her proud of you.

And third, keep on posting to the board. When we are hurting, that's when we need most the support of others who care. Though I have never met you, I care.

Welcome to the board.

>>and read your post about the loss of your baby girl. I'm so sorry. I am single, so I can only imagine your hurt and pain.<<

Thank you for your kind words.

>>And third, keep on posting to the board. When we are hurting, that's when we need most the support of others who care. <<

I am not a people person by any means and if my presence on the board gets to the point where it is causing troble, then naturally I should leave. I think I even managed to tick off Krylar a while back and he is pretty tolerant. As long as I avoid the heavy Christian topic threads, I should be able to keep myself in check.

In regards to me not being a Christian, for the record let me say again, I have never blamed God for the loss of my daughter, I have only blamed myself. In all honesty I could not name all the reasons why I am not a Christian anymore. Probably just as much as I have lost my faith in God, I have lost my faith in my fellow man and am disgusted with society in general.

I am very leary to remian on this board though. Everybody has been nice, but because of situations over the past few years, I am truly not a people person anymore and I have a very hard time trusting anybody. But I always try to give people the benefit of the doubt.

Although it has not happened here on this board, in our local church and in various Christian chat rooms, my wife and I were treated very badly when we lost our daughter. Instead of being helped and supported in our time of need, we were abandoned.

After we had adopted our daughters, we tried a couple of different local churches and lets just say there were many rude comments whispered under the breaths of some of the congretation because of the various skin colors of our children. There were also many comments about my tattoos and piercings. I could care less about myself, but I do care about how my kids are treated. Now that our goddaughter is living with us, I am even more concerned because she is only 2 1/2 and more easily hurt by such actions than teens are.

Maybe one day I will be able to reconcile myself with God. I don't know. I would like to, I do not like the distance that is there, but I just do not have the strength to do it. Right now there is just too much hurt I can't get rid of, I still cry myself to sleep over my daughter and how I wasn't there for my wife after we lost the baby. If it wasn't for my wife and kids I honeslty would be dead, I hate myself and I don't want to live. I am worthless, God is not missing out on anything by me not being a Christian.

I used to have a couple of friends that I talked to via email and AIM, as it was easier to open up since that was more private. They were helping me work on getting things right, but I managed to push them away too. I am the king of pushing people away when I need them the most. Can't say I blame people in any way for giving up on me, I would not want to be around me either. Heck, I gave up on myself long ago.

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Regards,

Brice

Lost Reflections -- When your life comes crumbling down around you, can you count on the one person who has never been there for you? Lost Reflections is a heart warming story of personal redemption and second chances.